ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
