Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
