Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
