I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
