I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
