I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
