So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
