Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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