I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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