Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You are the jesus of drinking
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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