So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
