Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He shit in the fireplace
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
