guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
