I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He shit in the fireplace
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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