The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
