Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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