My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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