We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
