I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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