you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
