shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
