I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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