yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
