omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
