remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
