I'm sorry my penis didn't work
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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