I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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