I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My ATM looks so different sober.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
