We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
