As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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