im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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