how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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