New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
