My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
