these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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