that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
