Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
