and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
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Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
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I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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