I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
