So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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