Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
