his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
