Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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