two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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