I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
