I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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