If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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