4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
