She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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