we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I know her cup size but not her name....
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