i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
