just tell him i said nine months
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
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someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
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Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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