I have demons in me.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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