you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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