Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
