there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
