if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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