don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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