I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..